Golden Globes: The Best Of Ricky Gervais

January 11, 2016


Ricky Gervais' Best Jokes

 

"I'm going to get this monologue out of the way and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me... Snitch."

 

On Spotlight: "The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that five percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever."

 

On the awards: "I've got three. One's a door stop. One I use to hit burglars with. And one I keep by the bed 'cause…doesn't matter why. It's mine. I won it fair and square. It is just the right shape and size. So, to be clear, that was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes, that I've won, up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!"

 

“I’m gonna be nice tonight — I’ve changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course.

 

"What a year she’s had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn’t do a lot for women drivers.”

 

"He's been the only person Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to. Please welcome Matt Damon."

 

"Eva Longoria and America Ferrera are not only beautiful and talented actresses, they are also two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can't wait to deport."

 

"Joy and Trainwreck, no not the names of Charlie Sheen's two favourite hookers... the films of our next two presenters."

 

"A few years ago on this show I made a joke about Mel Gibson getting a bit drunk and saying a few unsavoury things. We've all done it. I wasn't judging him but now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again.... I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames... We know who Mel blames..."

 

"I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Penn will find me… snitch."

 

On NBC: "We are live on NBC, and it's right that NBC host this awards show, because they are the only truly fair and impartial judge. And that's because they were the only network with zero nominations."

 

On Caitlyn Jenner: "I'm going to be nice tonight. I've changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she's had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot for women drivers, but.."

 

On Jennifer Lawrence's stand on gender equality: "Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received -- yeah, overwhelming support. From people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, 'How the hell can a 25-year-old live on $52 million?' There were plumbers around the world going, 'poor girl'."

 

On The Martian being labeled a comedy: "To be fair The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels, but then again, so was Schindler's List."


Photo source: USA Today